Who Killed Homo EHRectus?

May 4th, 2011 | Sources: Commentary

Subjects: ,

An ancient smartphone, unearthed near the fossilized remains of a predecessor to modern man, has provided clues about how the hominid died, according to French archeologists.

Archeologists have been excavating the site  since April 22, 1984, the day three teenagers discovered the nearly intact remains of a Homo EHRectus male while hiking in the pristine Dordogne region of France.

The discovery was hailed back then as the most significant archeological finding since a forensic examination of Jim Morrison’s body revealed he was drug free and a virgin.

Archeologists originally theorized that the male Homo EHRectus–a member of the world’s oldest known tach-savvy species–died from severe alert fatigue caused by prolonged exposure to legacy electronic health record systems.

The theory was later dismissed after it was determined the man died of blunt trauma to the head. At that point, the question became who killed Homo EHRectus?

The smartphone appears to hold tantalizing, and rather tawdry clues in this regard. Skinned in a stylish, black polycarbonate case, the ancient device was found 20 meters from the body of the male Homo EHRectus. Carbon dating and other tests suggest the phone once belonged to the man.

The clues were contained on the memory card of the smartphone. The card, it turned out, contained time-stamped geo-location data, credit card purchase information, text messages and a raft of posts its owner had uploaded to social networking sites that were popular back then.

With this information, French Digital Archeologists—and presumably, any contemporary of the male Homo EHRectus who gained possession of his phone—could determine exactly where he was and when, and what he was doing when he was there.

“We were shocked to find all that data on the smartphone,” Kip Nosecrets, a Professor of Digital Archaeology at L’Institut Louis Pasteur told Paris Match. “I wonder if the guy knew his phone was tracking him like that.”

As for the tawdry clues, memory card analysis showed that the male Homo EHRectus had frequented the home of his best friend for years when he was supposed to be at work. Apparently, he had been carrying on with his friend’s wife.

Since the smartphone discovery, archeologists have stepped-up their search for blunt instruments at the site of the friend’s home. They have also begun searching for the remains of the male’s wife in Las Vegas.


 

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